


Handcuffs On The Right, Darling

by Zoe_Grimm



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Cruella is the worst driver, DragonQueen, Drinking, F/F, Queens of Darkness, SeaDevil, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-06-09 14:22:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6910759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe_Grimm/pseuds/Zoe_Grimm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>''Do you remember that thing we discussed last week, the one involving your car ?'', Maleficent asked. Cruella looked up from mixing her damn-she-had-lost-count-again-th martini and fixed her eyes on the dragon. ''Yes, darling, I remember quite well.'', she said. ''Would you be willing to undertake that little... roadtrip now ?'', Mal asked her. Cruella considered her condition for less than half a second before saying ''Only if I get to drive.''</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic on this site ever, and it is not yet finished. However, I do intent to write and upload the rest of the story (and many more fics) soon, and hope you enjoy the beginning until then.

''Do you remember that thing we discussed last week, the one involving your car ?'', Maleficent asked. Cruella looked up from mixing her damn-she-had-lost-count-again-th martini and fixed her eyes on the dragon. ''Yes, darling, I remember quite well.'', she said. ''Would you be willing to undertake that little... roadtrip now ?'', Mal asked her. Cruella considered her condition for less than half a second before saying ''Only if I get to drive.''

They got up just as Regina came back into the vault chamber, armed with more booze than even Cruella was sure she could handle at that point. ''Where are you going ?'', the former evil queen asked suspiciously. ''WE are going on a little trip, dear- and you're coming with us.'', Maleficent said, taking her on-and-off lover by the hand. Alcohol usually meant it was on.

They made their way outside, and beheld Cruella's black-and-white vehicle along with her non-existant parking skills. She never scratched the car, but she did seem to manage to destroy almost everything in its path, life objects not excluded. She staggered a little as she walked up to the driver's side and got in. Mal pulled on Regina's hand and led them to the back. ''What are you two up to ?'', Regina asked, alcohol slurring her words and making them less imposing than she had intended. ''I told you. We are taking a trip.'', Mal said, while Cruella grinned in the front and adjusted her rearview mirror as she was already driving across the lawn and onto the nearest street.

Regina was about to open her mouth again as Mal's soft lips met her own and effectively shut her up. But atleast it gave her an idea of where this whole thing was headed. Without even pretending to protest, Regina gave in to the kiss. To her, the world outside of Storybrooke was cold and strange and full of things she didn't comprehend. But Mal's touch was warm and familiar, and it was something she always understood. 

Cruella rolled her eyes at the two of them. They were so in love, always had been, and yet could admit it neither to themselves nor each other. It made Cruella want to bang her head on the steering wheel, but she was driving- if you want to call the deliberate destruction of public property while cutting every second corner ''driving''. And then, she hadn't exactly told Ursula, either. And now she never would, because the witch had decided to just pop back into the sea the minute she had gotten what she wanted. So Cruella had decided to never talk about her again. Or think about her. Ever.

To distract herself, she refocused on the couple in the back. Their kiss had become heated, Regina was breathing heavily and Mal's claws were tearing at her designer clothing. But they all knew that shredded clothes were a small price to pay for Mal's attention. Cruella smiled to herself as she recalled the few wild nights she had had with the dragon, which had unfortunately come to an end when one particularly intricate incident put her in the hospital because Mal had dislocated one of her hips. And still... totally worth it.


	2. Part II

Cruella could also very well understand the fascination Mal held for her little queen. Because Regina's description of her apple cidre as the ''the best thing she had ever tasted in all the lands'' made Cruella seriously wonder if the evil queen had ever tasted herself. Even gin just couldn't quite compare, and what the hell was better than gin ?

Sex, darling, Cruella internally answered her own question. Speaking of which, it was time to show her friends why she REALLY loved her car so much.

''Use the lever on the left, Mal.'', she instructed, and Mal did. The backseats levelled out and became a plush red recliner for two- three, if need be. God, she loved this car.

''Now push the second button on the front left column.'', Cruella continued, a satisfied smirk playing on her lips as she heard Regina squeal. Mal had just activated the ''heat-and-meet''-function, causing the recliner to warm up and vibrate slightly. Clothes were coming off, and Cruella was aimlessly driving around town and randomly taking town traffic signs until an idea struck her.

She had a car full of booze, and a couple in the back that consisted of a legendary dragon and the former Evil Queen, who also happened to be the town's mayor. She'd be damned if she didn't have some fun with that. It was already late, and the Charmings would surely be asleep, but there was still enough of the town's population awake to scandalize. And she knew exactly where to start.

She sped straight on into the town's center and took a sharp turn towards the clock tower. Then she slowed down, searching. There. A young woman was just closing the door of the public library and locking it up. Very slowly, Cruella drove past her. Belle's shocked gasp was even louder than Regina's as Mal went down on her. 'That's what you get for taking all the fun out of the Dark One', Cruella thought. She cackled madly and put the pedal to the floor, eager to reach her next destination after the first one had turned out so nicely.


	3. Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicating this chapter to RegalVampress23. Hope you like it!

Cruella knew that the young woman she had possibly just scarred for life had a best friend, and that friend had a grandmother who owned a diner that did not serve her drinks no matter how NICELY she asked for them. She pushed the pedal down even harder and took a few sharp turns that elicited a series of sounds from the back that could be classified as shrieks, moans and -was that a pop?- accordingly. 

She found the younger wolf hauling the diner's advertising sign inside and stopped with screeching brakes ("dammit, Cru!") to make absolutely sure she got everyone's attention. The young woman let go of the sign with a loud bang as she took in the couple banging in the backseat. Cruella saw her eyes darken at the sight and winked at her. Ruby blushed.

Regina moaned loudly at the way Maleficent's tongue traced her insides and Cruella searched for her favourite gin between all the scattered speeding tickets and discarded clothes. She had no intentiom of going anywhere, waiting, waiting...

An elderly woman emerged from the diner carrying a crossbow and aiming it at her head. Cruella smiled at her as a projectile hit her, but it was just a piece of black lace from the back that came to rest on her dashboard. Cruella's grin widened and then froze as Granny shifted her aim from Cruella's head to the hood of her car. 

"Oh no you won't", she snarled, and gunned the engine, fully prepared to drive all over that old hag and her bloody "no-serving-drinks-to-serial-killers" policy. Small towns and their prejudices. And never mind that Granny always served REGINA, who had been redeemed just to prove to Mal that she was still a bad girl all over again. 

Unfortunately, Granny was shoved aside and saved by the young wolf, and Cruella just couldn't get herself to dent that pretty face. She reversed, instructing her passengers to "hold on!" ("On WHAT?"), and emerged back on the street as an arrow whizzed past her. 

"Handcuffs on the right, darling", she said to Mal, and a minute later atleast one of them was permanently chained to the car in case of an accident. Regina protested somewhat halfheartedly, in a voice so deliciously low and throaty that everybody knew she didn't truly mind. She was getting close, so close, but Cruella had to be somewhere when that happened. "Slow down!", she and Mal called almost at the same time, both knowing that the other wouldn't.


	4. Part IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never did a series before (and doubt I ever will again), but your feedback has been amazing! Enjoy everyone, there will only be one more chapter after this one and there are only so many characters left it can include ;)

They were leaving the town's centre, the car wrecking the road and Regina writhing beneath Mal. Cruella put all of her diluted dedication into driving, finally reaching the place she had been saving up for last. She couldn't tell (or wouldn't admit) just why she hated fairies so much, but this would teach the glitter bitches. They wanted true love? She would  _give_ them true love. Her own being heartbroken had nothing to do with it whatsoever.

Mother Superior had just spoken the final blessing over her fellow fairies at the midnight mass, and now they emerged from the chapel, chatting and  _glittering_  with candles and way too happy faces. Cruella stopped the car and thought she could  _see_ Blue's heart stop at what was happening within. She did not quite have a heart attack (very disappointing indeed), but hurried to get the fairies to their dorms before they saw it, too. They were so easily affected and Blue could already envision fairies falling in love with each other left right and centre, distracting them all from the utmost importance of DUST. 

She slowly moved in front of the car, casually leaning against a window, watching every fairy make her way inside except for one. Why did it always have to be this one? Tinkerbell had come over just as Regina's orgasm came crashing down and everything seemed to happen at once:

First there had been a whisper, a quiet "such a bad girl, Regina", then there had been blood in Regina's mouth as she tried to keep from crying out, third there was a loud, strangled moan as she failed at that and finally, there was Tinkerbell, looking cluelessly at Blue and asking "Mother Superior, are you all right?", in all-innocent concern.

On some sober day, Cruella thought that maybe Blue wouldn't have called the cops if she hadn't laughed at her quite so loudly. Maybe she would have let them get away with it if Cruella hadn't driven over her flowerbeds on the way out. Maybe the cops wouldn't have caught up to them if she hadn't intended that third shortcut that turned out to be a dead end. But where would have been the fun in that?

 


	5. Part V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it goes, the one we have all been waiting for! A grand conclusion to a crappy story, all your thoughts are appreciated. :)

David was already wary as he approached the car. It was very late. He was tired. He started to think that sending Regina on an undercover mission with the other villains had been a bad idea, especially when she took the undercover-part so literally. Blue had been the fourth person to call him that night and complain about the Mayor's public indecency, and he only had himself to blame. Or Snow, since all of his ideas were generally his wife's. But he never blamed her, so back to him it was.

"Sheriff", Cruella slurred, not quite as seductively as usual, as David put handcuffs on her wrists. He could see that Regina was already chained up, just in the wrong place. Mal cast him a look that was really a command to stay put as she freed her lover from the constraints she had put her in, shut down and locked Cruella's still vibrating car. "I am not spending the night in jail.", Regina declared as soon as they were on the street and she could already feel a headache building up right there in the wake of her orgasm.

"But Regina-" "I'm sorry, David." She didn't even bother with any more clothes than Mal's coat, much less the buttons. She would just magick herself into bed, and she would take Mal with her. Regina took the dragon's hand and they disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke.

'Great', David thought, who was now left alone to deal with a Cruella halfheartedly pretending to be so drunk that she could not stand without his chivalrous assistance. He thought about calling Snow just as he heard her scream across the street.

"Wrong bedroom", Mal stated, and Regina nodded as she looked around. The apartment she had landed in was atrociously cute, and Snow on the bed had also _so_  not been what she was aiming for. Alas, her aim was a little off tonight. "Allow me", Mal husked, making Regina seriously reconsider just when this night should be over, as Mal took them away to the right place. They left Snow behind trying to unsee things that had forever been branded into her mind.

"Just a dream", Snow mumbled, "just a bad, bad dream"... she put on a coat and shoes and stumbled, half-blinded, onto the street where David came hurrying towards her, Cruella in tow. "Snow, are you all right?!" "I'm fine.", she lied. "I have to lock this one up, will you be okay?", David asked, torn between his duties. "Yes of course, David, I- never mind. I'll wait up for you." Snow kissed her husband and hurried back home, leaving David to deal with Cruella. "I wonder what happened to her", Cruella said idly. 

David wondered the same thing on their short drive to the Sheriff station but said nothing about it. He sure was glad that he did not work at the animal shelter anymore. That might have been problematic, given his current companion and her intoxicated state. (And her thirst for violence towards puppies even when completely sober). He shut Cruella in a cell, thinking he still had the keys when he left and headed home.

He never noticed the tip of a tentacle snatching away Cruella's ticket to freedom.

* * *

 

"I leave you alone for two days and this is what you get yourself into.", a voice drawled, and Cruella spun around in her cell to watch Ursula saunter closer. "Darling", she said coldly, "I thought you were sleeping with the fishes." "Did you really think I would leave you without saying goodbye?"

* * *

 

"Do you think Cruella will be in any trouble?" Mal asked, holding a naked Regina close, their legs intertwined and Regina's head resting on her shoulder. For once, they had decided to stay together. Regina kissed Mal and said "She's locked up at the station, what's the worst that can happen?"

 

THE END.


End file.
